My Sunshine
by Tape my heart
Summary: Thranduil tries to deal with the building pain of legolas's disappearance. Pairing: Thranduil/Legolas mention of Thranduil/Elrond and Thranduil/wife Warnings: suicidal thoughts/actions, self harm, swearing.
1. Denial

You are my sunshine,

My only sunshine.

Thranduil sat on his throne ordering his army to search through the forest for his son, who had disappeared that morning.

You make me happy when skies are grey

His hope was fading, his son has been slipping out a lot lately, but this time, Thranduil felt it was different.

You never know, dear, how much I love you

He sank into his seat, ordering his gaurds to leave his side.

Please don't take my sunshine away

Legolas was gone. And Thranduil knew it. He shuddered as he stood up. It had been months since his disappearance now and the last threads of hope hand given way.

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

Never again could he lovingly stroke his son's face. Never again braid his hair, or kiss his nose.

He couldn't even look into his eyes. Thranduil's throat constricted.

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head, and I cried.

He walked to the large balcony, looking out to the forest he lived in. Cursing the birds that chirped and flew happily about. Six months does not feel very long for most elves, but these six had been the longest Thranduil had endured.

You where my sunshine,

My only sunshine.

Everyone he loved was gone. His wife, his son, and even Elrond. He gripped the railing, his knuckles turning white.

You made me happy when skies where grey.

He'd dropped his cloak from his shoulders and pulled his slim sword from its sheath.

His heart was gone. His eyes cold as stone. He gripped his sword by the blade not caring that it sliced through the skin on his palm, in fact the sharp pain released some hidden pressure.

And now You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

He was angry. Not so much at Legolas but at himself. He had kept him too close and now he was _gone. GONE_ the word made his mental pain worse and he ran his hands gown the blade cutting them deeper. He held the sword by the hilt and rand the blade down his pale arms. The red blood started pooling on the floor. But the pain didn't distract him as he had hoped.

Why'd you have to take my sunshine away

His eyes filled with tears. But not because of the blade; because his heart yearned to see his son. But he was gone. And soon Thranduil would be too.

Why'd you have to take my fucking

sunshine

Away


	2. Anger

Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore

thranduil had stopped eating weeks ago, food no longer interested him. And if he wasn't laying in bed, he was punishing himself.

And I'm young and I'm strong  
But I feel tired and old.

today he had set up a schedule for someone to whip him. His body was already bruised and cut from past injuries in which he had refused healing. He hoped this would numb his mind off the pain.

"You must let someone heal you!" His servant exclaimed after disrobing him and finding the welts and scrapes that had enveloped his skin. But he had refused and when he shot an icy glare at the Elf he turned away.

And I've been poked and stoked  
It's all smoke, there's no more fire, only desire  
For you, wherever you are

In his sleep he was most vulnerable, and he woke up with tears spilling from his eyes. Anger had consumed him he wished to wreak havoc on those around him, so he forced himself in a confined area with nothing around him but himself.

You have no idea how it feels to be on your own  
In your own home with the fuckin' phone  
And the mother of gloom in your bedroom  
Standing over your head.

he pulled on his hair desperately trying to imagine his son next to him. But the memory was fading in his his grief.

I will not pretend, I will not put on a smile  
I will not say I'm all right.

Thranduil hit his head against the wall tears dripping and mixing with blood.

I will not pretend, I will not put on a smile


	3. Guilt

He's got this journal filled

with all his black ink guilt

Feren had been watching his king sink slowly into guilt, despair in which no one could save him. The truth is Feren had never dealt with the things his king was dealing with, legolas was thranduil's life when his wife had died, one of the only things keeping him here, and Feren knew he wouldn't last much longer.

and love was the only thing keeping him alive

hes got his mind made up

and today as he peeked through the Kings door he noticed Thranduil must be feeling an extra surge of Pain. He had abandoned his throne with his sword in hand he was laying across the floor.

and when he's tired he doesn't sleep

a week since I've seen him last eat

feren ran to his side, hand collected the broken king in his arms. he stroked thranduil's cold face and whispered.

"My King, please hold on, you mustn't leave us."

"And why is that?"

He's skin and bones, He's Beautiful

no matter what

I wish I could help him see

"Because, my king, we need you here." Feren brushed a tear from thranduil's porcelain face.

"No you don't," His voice growing stronger with anger. "Let someone else have the throne. To hell with the world, I don't care any longer." Feren hugged the limp body to himself,

"don't say such things."

the ice berg hits

and the ship has to break apart

"I must take you to the healing room." Feren whispered.

"No! Leave me be! Let me die alone. It is as I deserve." Feren defied his kings direct orders, despite his thrashing around Feren ordered the guards to talk the King to a chamber in which someone can heal him.

he'll breathe again

he'll breath again

right?


	4. Depression

.

I let myself fall into a lie

i let my wall come down

.

thranduil sat in a bed, his wounds fully healed thanks the that damn Elf he couldn't even remember the name of, was it fern? Oh well he doesn't care any longer. He stared blankly at the ceiling.

.

no matter how I try

i don't know why

you pushed me so far away

.

He sat up and look at the guard by his bed.

"I am fine now. I will return to my room and will not be inturupted." He said, his voice had recovered its threatening power. The Elf shuddered and nodded frantically.

.

With this knife I'll cut out the part of me

the part that cares for you

.

He again stood on his balcony overlooking the forest that now grew wildly without care. his blade swiftly drawn as he placed it twards himself.

.

with this knife I'll cut out the heart of me

the heart that cares for you

.

He dropped the sword and fell to his knees, he threw of his outer robes once again, this time planning to end it.

.

i can't believe the way you took me down

you never saw the pain

comeing on a Million broken miles

like poison in my veins

.

he had ordered his servants to comb through his hair, as he had neglected to for the past two months, they had assumed him recovering. But that was not it,

.

i hate the fear

the nightmares that wake me

in tears

.

the nightmares and

.

.

.

.

.


	5. Acceptance

Spend all your time waiting  
For that second chance

Thranduil lay motionless. He was gone. Had given up, with life and all that came with it. He had recognized that he was going through the stages of grief, but acceptance? That would never come. Why the Hell would anyone ever assume he would accept legolas' departure?

For a break that would make it okay  
There's always some reason  
To feel not good enough

no, he had given up.

Oh beautiful release  
Memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty

Oh and weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight

and as he had dealt that final blow, he felt the release he had hoped for. As his soul drifted away from his god forsaken body, he had one last chance to look at himself, though he no longer seemed to have eyes but rather could feel what was all around him. He looked pathetic, laying on the floor, his sword protruding from his chest, where he had twisted it multiple times with his last bit of strength.

In the arms of the angel  
Fly away from here

And though he couldn't necessarily feel, he sensed another presence, and angel had embraced him and was somehow pulling him up.

From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie

And he came to realize, it wasn't just an angel, but his son. He tried to speak to him, but found he didn't have a voice, but rather thought at his son.

'why are you here?'

'I was sent to bring you' came his son's soft melodic 'voice.'

Thranduil said no more but rather enjoyed his sons presence. Before, he probably would have cried, but as it was; without having a body, he just gave his son all of his feelings, all he had been through all of his hurt. But his son only smiled, and sent him his own. And Thranduil understood.

You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort here

.

End


	6. Debriefing

You may skip this if you'd like, I only felt I had to explain some of this, and give you the songs the chapters are based off of. I wanted to show how the loss of others ipsometimes can't be healed. What you should bring from this is that you leaving, could destroy someone else. I know it wasn't the happiest fanfiction, by any stretch of the word. There are so many erotic stories about them, that I felt I had to show you how innocent their love truly is.

chpt. 1

song: you are my sunshine

in this chapter Thranduil deals with the absence and loss of his son. It's pretty straightforward, as I had planned on it ending there, but your reviews egged me on, and as I was walking to work I had the idea of having Thranduil go through the the stages of grief/death.

chpt. 2

song: bloody motherfucking asshole

by: Martha wainwright

anger, the second stage. And Thranduil has a whole lot of it that comes leaking out on himself.

chpt. 3

song: breathe again

by: jimmy Robbins

feren tries to bring his King back, but it turns out he's sunken too far. There's nothing anyone could do now.

chpt. 4

song: with this knife

by: smile empty soul

depression. I find it the worst of all. And it seems Thranduil has made his mind, that he has no place in this world any longer. The song seemed to fit perfectly, so I used it. An I love how the song ends in the middle of a sentence, as you may have noticed.

chpt. 5

song: Angels

by: Sarah Mclatchen

this chapter went really fast, I hope I came across with all I wanted. Thranduil ends his life, and assumes to pass into a void, as elves have no religion. We know little of the grey heavens but I assume it's just where they all hang out or something. So they either live happily together, or Thranduil is sent to hell I don't, you should decide.


End file.
